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Endometriosis - A disorder in which tissue similar to the tissue that lines the uterus grows outside the uterus in places where it doesn't belong.
Only some will understand how scary that is. Only few will know how scary it is to feel. The feeling of your body carving itself out, the stabbing agonizing nightmare that goes on and on and on. From sunrise to sunset. Day after day until finally...it lets you go. For one a little while. Leaving you with a pit in your gut that it's gonna happen again! And theres nothing you can do.
Is it not horrific? The human body can just do this. Oh and you might be thinking "but at least its over for a while!"
If only it was that simple.
I used to think that. Rotting in bed that after today... everything would go back to normal. That everything would be ok.
A small melon. Full of nothing but blood. Just waiting to twist my overy to death. How fun. Shockingly even all the way to the operating room I didn't feel much. Just a little numb. Didn't even puke when they gave me the little IV thing! If anything my parents where more scared then me.
I wish I could say I'm proud of my bravery. I don't feel brave however. Vindicated? A little. I told everyone something was wrong and it only took 6+ years for me to be proven right! Unfortunately.. I only really feel wronged.
The meds don't really work well. The pills feel overdue and lacking. The heat flashes burn my flesh. The mood swings give me whiplash. My body gets violent, my mind no better on or off. Just waiting to implode in self loathing and gender dysphoria.
As if it wasn't bad for someone who loves their body. Who wants to be a woman, its hell for someone like me. Someone born in the wrong skin. I didn't even want this thing tearing up my gut. I never asked to have this flesh that hates me. Its like a cruel joke. As if seeing my own blood and flesh chunk run down my legs wasn't horrific enough. I wish I could call that flesh mine.
Yet everytime I see one blob the shower floor, it doesn't feel like 'thats just how it is' anymore. It reminds me I'm trapped in a body designed to hold me hostage. Hostage to Nature's whims. Hostage to society's standards. Hostage to my own incompetence.
Its just doing what its told to do. When the estrogen lowers it rips everything apart and takes it out. When estrogen goes it, it puts up new flesh like wallpaper. Waiting for life that'll never arrive.
I feel like a joke. A sick joke. I hear every Sunday on the TV the preacher say god is good. God made me exactly how I was meant to be. That I'm made in his image. What kinda of image is this? A crusty jpg on Ifunny? Am I just your jester?
Am I one of the world's cruel little jokes? Cuz I wish I could laugh with everyone else. But I can't. I'm not like everyone. I'm like the flesh that grows in this living carcass.
Out of place. Existing in an environment not meant for me. Rotting slowly and pulling myself together again. Growing, bloating, doing exactly what I'm told to do. Yet, it hurts, its debilitating... I'm no better than this foreign flesh.
I am this foreign flesh.
But what do I know? I'm just a bitter scorned boy trapped in a delicate girl's body.

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